Hoarding - hoarder

My mom is an avid hoarder. While I am A hoarder.

I believe everything have another usage after the shelf life. While my mom believes everything is precious. haha.

I've been encouraging her for ages to throw out all of her "precious" old stuff. 

Even for my hoarder eyes, her stuffs belong to the garbage can. She finds her self a strange yet believable reasons to build the memento piles. 

She's keeping her old kebayas which on her defense, my nieces would wanting them while they are growing up. My nieces are below 12. Haha. 

Or she's keeping old Jerry cans from my teenager while I am still religiously active with youth activity on local church. I don't even remember what am I doing with 4 big red jerry cans. Or, plenty of bird cages, she hopes that one day there will be another birdies inside (well, she's quite lucky with birdies, there's a couple of time, a strand bird would get inside on the cage, out of nowhere. And later did some Houdini tricks, just puff, gone, bird, gone). We also have a second hand bath up. This is hilarious.  My dad picked that thang from his friend house in sake of recycling it to a planting media for his collections. But yeah, the procrastination running on my blood definitely from him. From 7-8  years ago, until he passed away, the bath up sat quietly on the corner of the yard. And now after he's gone my mom had more reason to keep on, she said "your father want it here". LOL. Old dispensers, old nephew's bicycle, etc. You named it.

I always dream, that eventually my mom would be less driven by the sentimental acts, But I guess i will be just keep on dreaming. 

She keeps her resistance mode on all the time. From 3 years ago since my father passed away, whenever I came home to Jogja, I always do a cleaning routine, but due to lack of time and energy, usually after 2 days I just gave up and asked my mom before I returned to Jakarta to promised me that she will give those garbage to tukang rongsokan.

This has been a  constant battle between me/my siblings and my mom. Sometimes we are just laughing so hard on how desperate we are on the situation. Sometimes i just want to burn down the house. hehe. But I can't that's family house. hehe

Like today, I called my mom and remind her (again) to her promise about cleaning up some stuffs. 

This time she's complaining on how low the price that tukang rongsokan would paid for that broken water dispenser. Hence, she keeps it. LOL. 

RINDU IHAAA CTAAAR CTAAAAR

aku kangen celotehan random bareng anak-anak IHA.

malam-malam ketawa ngakak ngebahas segala hal ga penting yang pada akhirnya jadi penting karena bisa dibahas berjam-jam.

kami semua bertumbuh, menua tapi semoga tidak akan pernah kehilangan semua kegilaan yang kami punya. 

Mengakarlah, jadilah kita setiap pohon yang berbeda tapi bertalian di bawah sana. 

mengirim rindu pada adek-adek:

reichan, shifra, luna, mithya, maul. 

kalo sam mah masih ketemu. 

sakti

kenapa pacar gue digdaya ya? gue kalo sakit, langsung lebay, meringik, riwil kaya belum pernah sakit seumur hidup.

Sedangkan Ces, sakit kaya apa juga paling cuma bilang "aku sakit kepala, tidur dulu ya", atau kaya pas pilek kemarin, dia ga bisa tidur semaleman, tapi juga ga ngebangunin gue buat ditemenin atau ngapain, paginya cuma bilang "tenggorokan aku sakit banget, ga bisa tidur semalem, aku tidur dulu ya". Udah. Ga pake drama.   

hahaha. 

Atau pegel-pegel abis yoga atau ngapain gitu. Kalo gue yaaaa, udah ribut minta dipijitin, minta balsem, minta dielus-elus, apalah pokoknya macam anak yatim haus banget kasih sayang. Kalau Ces, diajak kemana-mana masih hayuk, datang-datang lepas celana, pasang koyo sebadan sendiri, terus tiduran, dinduselin juga masih mau. 

cck cck. aku terharu. 

Kamu kok keren, bebe. Aku menjura dan akan berguru pada ketegaranmu! 

ujug ujug

in all of sudden, i missed my late father.
what is it like, Pa?

Cita-cita: Meal Prep

Gue lagi usaha makan lebih bersih sekarang, dalam arti kurangin minyak, kurangin gula, ga pake MSG dan masak sendiri (atau dimasakin pacar hehe)

Bukan demi kurus atau apa sih, nurunin berat badan sih bonus, yang seperti kita tau, bonus itu ga tau bakalan dapat atau engga, makan lebih bersih ini demi kesehatan. halaaah. Dan ngirit. Ini yang utama. Gue ga bisa terima beli bubur ayam pinggir jalan sekarang 12rb. Hahaha. Aku koret emang. Udah dibegoin disuapin micin, suruh bayar lagi, itu kan bego dua kali. Hehe. Makanya gue niatnya masak sendiri aja.

 

Emang sih pertama kali belanja, buat ngumpulin bumbu-bumbu itu agak lumejen ya biayanya. Karena tag linenya sehat, gue terpaksa  ganti minyak pake olive oil, beli bumbu-bumbu kering, rhizoma-rhizomaan (baca: lengkuas, jahe, dll), peler-peleran (baca: biji-bijian seperti ketumbar, lada, dll), stok bawang bombai, bawang merah, bawang putih dan ibu tiri. Jayus.

Tadinya sih mau gegayaan mau ikutan trend Meal-Prep, itu lho yang masak sekali buat seminggu. Semacam ini atau itu. Tapi di tengah jalan bosen sendiri makan yang itu-itu aja seminggu. Hihi. Akhirnya masak spontan, ngeliat stok tinggal apa, ya udah itu aja dimasak. Ini juga permasalahan di kepribadian sih, aku anaknya impulsif kan, kalo diatur-atur suka ga mood. Diatur diri sendiri aja kesel, coba bayangkan.

Moga-moga niat makan lebih bersih gue panjang umurnya, ga sekedar warm-warm-chicken-shit. Sekarang aja gue masih ngiler-ngiler riwil pengen jajan.Gue pengennya juga punya niat lebih buat numbuhin makanan gue sendiri, itu biji bayem, selada merah belum gue tanam juga karena masih deg-degan nungguin cabe, tomat dan mint. Baru dua bulan sih, semoga mereka juga panjang umur.

Yang paling bikin seneng dari "impulsi" terkini gue ini, dukungan dari Cesca. Dari nemenin belanja, ngebelanjain, sampai masakin!. Enaknyoo.

 

 

Salah satu cita-cita untuk masak ini semua:

http://www.thekitchn.com/23-makeahead-lunches-to-get-you-through-the-work-week-recipes-from-the-kitchn-216410

 

 

I used to cry on this song - not in any particular reasons

Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to Ache over

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
These streets we travelled on will undergo our same lost past

I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one Picture)

Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to Ache over

Newborn life replacing all of us, changing this fable we live In
No longer needed here so where do we go?
Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of Death?
But girl, what if there is no eternal life?

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one Picture)

Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty, and cold without you here, too many people to Ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna Die alone without you here,
Please tell me what we have is real

So, what if I never hold you, yeah, or kiss your lips again?
Whoah, so I never want to leave you, and the memories of Us to see
I beg don't leave me

Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty, and cold without you here, too many people to Ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

Silence you lost me, no chance for one more day [x2 then Continues in the background]

I'm stuck here alone
Falling away from me, no chance to get back home [x2]

(Seize the Day - A7x)

senja ini

ini waktu aku bercerita, sayang, kamu sedang terlelap.
kita ada di bus mau pulang ke Jakarta dari Bandung, kita lagi silent war ga silent-silent banget juga, karena masih ngobrol kalau perlu, seperti waktu tadi kita lagi mencari jadwal travel.
Kita kan ga bisa telepati, jadi kita musti ngomong kan, sayang?

Kamu lagi tidur sekarang, menyender di kaca jendela, menunggu keberangkatan, yang seharusnya sudah dari 15 menit yang lalu, yang membuat kita terburu-buru menyusur jalan Cihampelas sambil diam-diaman, tapi sesungguhnya ga diam-diam juga, sesekali saling memastikan kita masih sejalan dan saling mengkhawatirkan. Tokh kita hanya diam-diaman dan masih pacaran

Georgia

Terbungkuk-bungkuk dia berjalan, meski tak nampak ada beban di punggungnya.

Aku menjajarinya.

"Wak, kenapa kau berjalan begitu, tegakkan badanmu, kau ini masih muda, masih gagah. Tak ada beban di punggungmu. Malu"

Dengus yang kudapat.

"Wak, kau sakit?", selidikku.

"Kau ini, tak ada urusan aku mau jalan dengan terbungkuk, merangkak. Aku membungkuk, aku malu sama hidup, aku hormat pada hidup. Aku terbungkuk, tapi aku maju ke depan. Kau lebih aneh, jalan kok hadap belakang!", jawabnya gusar.

"hehe aku jalan hadap belakang, karena aku takut sama hidup, Wak"

Sans Serif

Ibuku pernah suatu kali bercerita,

Sore itu, saat burung-burung emprit sudah lelah dengan cuitannya sendiri, ayahku pulang ke rumah. 

Malamnya, saat garengpung riuh di pohon mangga, ayahku pulang, tapi tidak pergi lagi.

Kata Ibu, ayah pulang ke haribaanNya. 

helvetica

lima tahun katamu?

lima tahun tai kucing

lima tahun yang akan terus kusumpahi dengan seluruh dendam yang berdenyut-denyut di pelipisku.

sepuluh tahun katamu?

sepuluh tahun kutu babi

sepuluh tahun yang akan terus ku sesali hingga kuterisak di lelapku.

lima belas tahun katamu?

lima belas tahun kencing anjing

lima belas tahun yang akan terus menerus aku tanyakan ke tanah mengaga, kapan kamu akan ditelannya. 

to hormones:

stop messing around, I need to have logical reasons to cry, not merely on stupid little things like..fonts. 

I am talking to myself, in each moment I am worthy. 

But I need to take responsibility. 

I wish I have the guts to let go everything and wander to any part of the world. 

I wouldn't care about material thingies.

I am not attached to fancy things. 

but as a decent human..until now I can't just go

jam telu

talking to my mom on phone.

*kemringet - mangkel*

stereotype

mengerikan itu memutuskan tidak menikah dan menjadi penggerutu.

hubungannya apa coba tidak menikah dan jadi tukang ngomel.

I just need to let it out, before my head explodes

I know it can be so overwhelming, when it seems like everyone around you is cheating or being cheating at. And on top of that, you have an unfortunate experiences on the subject.

Each person has their own mechanism to absorb, handle, approach and dwell with it.

One who has been badly hurt can be easily forgetting in a handful of time while the other took years to forgiving. 

Nothing is wrong with that. Both are human.

This is my settle ground. Now it's time for me to pick up ways to approach it.

Sore-sore cerita

Dulu banget, waktu gue lagi disidang karena dicurigai gay oleh kakak gue, dia bilang kalau "kaum gay" itu mengerikan, bisa menular, kalau udah jealous, bisa kalap, mukul bahkan ngebunuh. Terus suka ga sopan. Kakak gue cerita dia pernah dideketin butchy temen sekelasnya waktu SMU, terus digrepe. Gue yang tadinya muka takut/panik/khawatir, mulai nyengir pas bagian statement "gay itu mengerikan" terus nyaris ngakak pas bagian digrepe butchy.

 

Bukan, bukannya gue menyetujui tindakan pelecehan, tapi lucu ngebayangin nasib si butchy sesudahnya. She's dealing with a dangerous woman, my sister. Dan bener, di akhir cerita si butchy ditampar sama kakak gue sambil dimaki-maki. Terus lebih lanjut, kakak gue nyeritain kalau beberapa tahun kemudian, si butchy datang ke rumah sama pacarnya yang tentu saja perempuan, bilang kalau mereka mau kawin lari. Kakak gue bengong terus nyaranin kalau mendingan coming out bareng ke keluarga mereka, kalau ga diterima, ya udah kabur aja. Habis itu ga tau lagi. Kemudian gue dilanjutin di sidangnya, yang akhir ceritanya sampai sekarang gue tetap queer dalam lemari. Hehe.

 

Di kepala "straight" kakak gue, gay itu labelnya negatif. Karena dia punya contohnya yang negatif-negatif.  Gay  itu perilaku menular yang bisa memicu pembunuhan gara-gara cemburu, pedofil (padahal pedofil mah pedofil aja), free sex, kekerasan, bla bla.  Dan cara dia ngasih info soal keburukan gay itu ga ngebantu "nyembuhin" gue sama sekali. Dia lupa gue keras kepala, gue akan mencari counter atas semua statement dia. Kriminalitas oleh gay? Ya memang ada, tapi berapa persentasenya dibanding pelaku kriminal straight? Dan itu juga mungkin dikarenakan , dulu (sampai sekarang) gue sendiri sebagai queer susah nemu, queer (lokal ataupun internasional) yang coming out, berprestasi dan berperilaku santun – positif – bisa digugu dan ditiru. Yang mudah ditengarai cuma para desainer. Bukannya ngecilin ya, sebagai manusia kurang peka fashion, gue kurang menangkap esensi dari ragam-ragam baju untuk kelangsungan hidup manusia.

 

Di sisi lain, gue bisa ngerti kenapa kita kalo gue bisa mengikutsertakan diri gue sendiri, ga bisa out, loud and proud. Di negara bagian barat yang udah se-ga-peduli- tetek di umbar-umbar ga pake diancem kepala dipancung dan dirajam aja, masih banyak yang homophobic. Apalagi di negara macam kita ini, yang semuanya diurusin secara masal, kalau bisa semua seragam, disepakati. Nyeleneh dicap celaka.

Jadi dilematis, pengen coming out dan nunjukin jadi queer itu biasa aja, ga nular, berbahaya dan senormal macetnya Jakarta tapi kalau nyawa jadi taruhannya, queer sebagai manusia biasa pada umumnya ya pasti takut. (Keluh)

Sekarang jadi manusia super aja deh, super biasa selayaknya anggota masyarakat pada umumnya dan super jago ngelabuin masyarakat atas preferensi seksual kita. (hehe)

 

Semoga  nanti pada akhirnya orang-orang berprestasi dan yang kebetulan queer berani bilang siapa mereka. Dan semoga waktu kita akan tiba, bisa ngegandeng pacar kemana-mana, manggil sayang ga perlu bisik-bisik, nyium kening ga pake nutup pintu. Eh, ga usah ngimpi mau nikah dulu di Indonesia. Itu aja dulu. Ga dicap jadi pembawa virus homo.

ASU*****

her: tadi aku sama org ***

aku beli axa

hukkkssss

eh kok beli daftar

me: asuransi?

her : abis kasian

me: ya ampuun

batalin

berapa

her: aku kenal sama org banknya soalnya

me: mendingan sedekah

dapat jaminan di surga

hihi

----digeplak. 

pacar gue suka ga enakan, padahal dia galak sebenernya, tapi kalau sama orang yang dikenal suka sulit bilang engga kalau dimintain tolong. Berapa kali itu suka ngiklasin temen yang minjem ga mulangin uang.

Moga-moga rejeki kamu nambah ya, bebeeee.

yah itung-itung nabung sekarang, nanti kalau udah 5tahun kasih aku. hihi

No. no. no. There is no place i'd rather be

tip toeing toeing toeing 

berjingkat jingkat jingkat

it's fragile, it's dangerous, it should be carefully taken care

ini ringkih, rapuh, berhati-hatilah.

Nak, berhenti berputar-putar,menarilah, menarilah.

Ibu, I don't want to dance, I just want to swirl inside this eggshell. 

A-Mok

Minggu lalu ada kejadian yang bikin gue muntab. Ibaratnya kalau ada orangnya di Jakarta aja, udah gue samperin gue pukulin. Tapi sayangnya orangnya beda benua. Mahal banget tiket pesawat dan ribet ngurus visanya (lah dipikirin beneran. hehe). Di kepala gue seharian cuma mikirin gimana cara ngebalesnya or hunt them down in whatsoever ways.

Gue ga dirugiin sendirian, Mithya juga. (Mithya itu mantan gue). Pelakunya temannya Mithya, mungkin karena atas dasar itu atau karena Mithya lebih panjang sabarnya daripada gue, dia ga ngamuk kaya gue dan bisa nganggep itu kecerobohan ga disengaja. 

Though the person already sending their apologies (through Mithya ofc), gue kalo inget masih kuesel. Gue korslet deh kalo udah marah sama orang dan gue ga bisa nemu lagi alasan logis untuk ga marah.  Semua orang yang ada di kejadian itu akan gue cap yang sama. To return and shakes hands in the future is something almost impossible to happens. 

Kesabaran dan logika gue kadang sangat primodial. Gue kaya binatang. I don't bite you unless you bites me first. Been trying to shook it off for years. It's not healthy right?

GAH. I HATE YOU, G & R. marked this. 

AKU BOSAAAAAAAN
PADA KAYA EEEK SEMUAAAAAAA!

An album to describe me - back in the day.

I used to sleep with Offspring - Americana album playing in repeat. 

That time, in my head, I am a punk kid with that Mohawk hair, sleeveless t shirt and ready to challenge the world. Rebellion is my religious kind of acts.

this!

gue beruntung punya sahabat-sahabat kaya gini. thank you

THE COURTESY RULES OF BLINDNESS

Ten simple, straightforward pointers which encourage sighted persons to feel comfortable and at ease with blind persons, is also helpful to know.

When you meet me don't be ill at ease. It will help both of us if you remember these simple points of courtesy:

1. I'm an ordinary person, just blind. You don't need to raise your voice or address me as if I were a child. Don't ask my spouse what I want'"Cream in the coffee?"'ask me.
2. I may use a long white cane or a guide dog to walk independently; or I may ask to take your arm. Let me decide, and please don't grab my arm; let me take yours. I'll keep a half-step behind to anticipate curbs and steps.
3. I want to know who's in the room with me. Speak when you enter. Introduce me to the others. Include children, and tell me if there's a cat or dog.
4. The door to a room or cabinet or to a car left partially open is a hazard to me.
5. At dinner I will not have trouble with ordinary table skills.
6. Don't avoid words like "see." I use them, too. I'm always glad to see you.
7. I don't want pity. But don't talk about the "wonderful compensations" of blindness. My sense of smell, touch, or hearing did not improve when I became blind. I rely on them more and, therefore, may get more information through those senses than you do'that's all.
8. If I'm your houseguest, show me the bathroom, closet, dresser, window'the light switch, too. I like to know whether the lights are on.
9. I'll discuss blindness with you if you're curious, but it's an old story to me. I have as many other interests as you do.
10. Don't think of me as just a blind person. I'm just a person who happens to be blind.

source:  https://nfb.org/courtesy-rules

----

Kadang-kadang suka canggung kalo berinteraksi dengan teman-teman tuna netra, ini juga reminder buat gue.

the urge to banting lempar hape

soy un perdedor

it is only 10.19 AM, but I feel tired already.

The constant nudging from the world makes me feel like WHOAA.

Maybe I am a loser for my incapability handling the multitasking stuff. 

I want to cave in and being a solitary soldier.